Saturday - April 17 2010 - Mexico City - Day 3

Didn’t want to get up this morning …

Did have a brief but “productive” conversation with JT about skydiving  though

Maybe he gets it – on some level (?)

The more I think about realities and truth and the minds ability to manipulate them the more I come to understand there may never be a resolution to what we are experiencing.

It is essential that we both understand that there can – and most often are – individual and different perceptions of the same event

We must at least respect the fact that we do not agree - but neither of us is necessarily wrong

He appears to have disconnected from me – especially concerning this situation

Relationships take two …

They take honest communication

They take trust

I cant do it by myself

He has to want it too

Namaste

The job site is quite

No activity in the kitchen or elsewhere

Megal arrives early ( 8 am )

He typically hasn’t been here until 10

Other than that – it is only us

Chilly today

The locals are in coats

Kenneth is in shorts ( and love’n it )

Vince just wants a “real breakfast”

LOL

These guys are pretty dang kool

At my perch I survey the horizon

0900

City smog eliminates any possibility of mountain views

No traffic below

No tennis players

There is a maintenance man sweeping the courts and tending to the foliage but that is all the activity I can observe

Its like the city is a mere shell of what it was during the week

I wonder where all the people go ?

I feel so “alone” ( isolated )

Reminds me of that movie “I am Legend” and I am sure there are several others … where the city is deserted except for the one survivor

Strange

Johnny is actually on a ladder in the kitchen but – if it weren’t for the visual I wouldn’t even know he is there

I have never seen him so quiet

The purple stuff is jacaranda

It is indigenous to the Central America / Caribbean area …

With everyone situated and no more requests for my services it is time to return to my book

Marty – get over here – I need you to flick this switch

Jarred from another dimension ( Oceania to be exact ) I dutifully go to the other room where I was instructed on how and what to do

The dining room

It is to my right.

Partitioned off from the kitchen area by a floor to ceiling smoke glass wall

Sparsely furnished it contains only an obviously particularly selected table and chairs and some various oriental artifacts I dated back to the Ming era

Not my taste but I could see how Mr Manzanilla would have chosen these

Minutes later – task complete – I returned to my book ( and Oceania )

WOW – 11 o clock

Where did the time go ?

Still no sign of any of the staff – other than Megal who shuffles quietly from one room to another.

I can hear Kenneth – occasionally – break into a chuckle – but this is so muted – and rare – I have been able to focus only on my book and its chilling images

I hear voices … outside, down below

The courts show some activity

There are people on the rooftops across the way

One is most definitely a labourer repairing a plaster wall.

The other appears to be an inhabitant as he is wandering around looking at all the plants

Perhaps he is watering them ?

I cannot tell from this distance

Johnny must hear the voices too as his concentration is broken and he descends from the ladder and wanders into the other room where I hear him inquire as to the status of the job

Vince replies and then translates to Spanish

I assume Megal is in the other room with them

Still no sign of Mr Manzanilla or any of the other staff

My tummy is churning

My back is stiff and sore

I wish I had internet

I hear the dog bark

Johnnys phone goes off

Whoever it was hung up on him

He asks me to monitor the phone …

Potty break and then to my trash rounds

Chilly has turned to breezy in the mechanical room

I attribute that to the fact that it is “open” with only a concrete grid wall between it and the outside world

Kenneth is in his glory

I don’t think Vince seems to mind one-way or the other

Me – I am down right COLD

I pick up the trash and remove myself from the area as quickly as possible

I f there is an air quality issue in the city those guys are exposed to it directly

Again – it doesn’t seem to be an issue to them

In fact – they seem to enjoy the fact that they are connected to the outside world

The sounds I can hear by only straining are loud and clearly audible from their vantage point

I suspect Vince can actually make out much of the conversations thought I equally suspect he is not conscious of it

Here Marty – take this

And this …

Marty – what are you doing – here – take this

After about two minutes – though it seemed much longer – all of his tools had been passed down thru the ceiling whole and placed in an orderly fashion of the cook top which had been covered in boarding, sheets and plastic wrap and made into a make shift operating table

In fact – I felt much like the surgical assistant – not knowing much about the procedures but enough about the tools to be that extra set of hands and of some help

I really would like to have access to a balcony now

I am getting claustrophobic

After noon ….

Megals passings become more pronounced

Dare I say  – I am getting hungry

Should I even mention it to the guys

I can hear Vincente and Megal talking …

I am sure it is about food

Soon Tomas entres with a bag from Starbucks

He tells Vincente that they are all different kinds of sándwiches

Actually – two are the same as what we have had for the past three days but there are three other different ones

Johnny wants me to inspect and distribute making sure his has NO onions

What a project

I opened up all the wrappings

I tasted each one

Eventually – I assigned each member of the group their food

Johnnys phone rings

Its Rich

He wants to know if we have gone up on a load yet

I tell him we are in Mexico

He says it must be nice …

I remind him we are here working

He has no clue or recollection of our previous conversations

Can someone really be that ignorant?

Back to the task at hand

The sandwiches

Vincente was good – as long as the green staff was kept to a minimum

Kenneth loved the grilled veggie – which on the outsider looked ok – except for the black staff which I never did figure out what it was

The hustle and bustle in the kitchen was a welcome distraction

Even though the day seems to be going by quickly it is also ominously boring with the silence and lack of activity

Once the meal is finished everyone disbands

I clear the trash and go back to my writing

Actually – I stared out the window for a time until Vincente appeared and asked me if I wanted a soda.

No – I want Internet

Vincente mentions it to Megal

All at once he leaves the room and comes back with a smile

He requests of Mr Manzanilla to call his computer instructor and tell me the codes

If only I had known it was that easy …

NOT

After a twenty minute conversation and multiple tries I come to realize that even with the codes because of the thickness in the walls my computer will not network efficiently enough with Mr Manzanillas to make it a viable option

To top it all off the most annoying thing is happening with my word processor

For some unknown reason it is underlining almost everything and wanting to translate everything into Spanish even though I keep re setting it to English

Im telling you

Mexico City

Weird

I think it is going to be one of those days …

Oh – well – back to my book

I cant focus …

My stomach is making the strangest rumblings and sounds

I have terrible gas …

Oh no – I hope I don’t get the infamous Montezuma’s revenge?

Its after 3

Is this day ever gong to end ?

Justin called

He sounds distressed although when pressed he says only that he wants his Dad to give him a call

Across the way some children on the 7^th floor balcony are playing “soccer”

All the rooftops show clear signs of an afternoon shower yet from where I am not a drop had been seen

The jacaranda glistens between the green foliages

Off in the distance – my mountains are barely but just visible

There is a slight patch of blue sky almost directly above me but it is not significant enough to say that the weather has in fact cleared ….

Im craving cookies

Tomas – for some strange reason is speaking very good and clear English today

I suspect he has more command of the language than we all know

He comes to visit with me

He shows me photos of his kids and girlfriend

We talk about skydiving

He wants to do it

He is planning to move to Arizona

Go figure

He offers to take me to the basement where there is a vending machine

Woo Hoo

Cookies !

Down the elevator we go

The garage if filled with high end vehicles

Across the way I spot the loot

As we approach I become aware of the fact that the packaging is all Spanish and most of the snacks are unrecognizable

I opt for the chocolate chip

They should be “safe”

Yummy

Almost 5

No sign of Johnny letting up though the guys have been ready to go for at least an hour

Burn out setting in …

Rain too

Dreary outside

A nice hot soak in the tub would be nice if we had one but there is only a shower at the hotel

If I knew then what I knew now I would not have been in such a hurry to switch rooms

We aren’t there long enough for me to enjoy the balcony so I should have kept the room with the tub

I think I can actually see the rain out the window

Not good

My highlighter has run dry

The trash can beside me STINKS

I hear laughter in the other room

Things are lightening up

Soon

I think we can leave

Soon

At 5:50 no one has made the gesture to break

This is getting ridiculous …

Even Mr Manzanilla – who passed thru the kitchen about three times in the last 15 minutes seems more than ready for us to leave

I know I am ready

That shower is calling me

I think I will just have room service tonight and let the guys do their thing

From the hall I hear Johnny ask if they are ready to call it a day

Amen

Im outta here

( after I make the trash run and pick up the tools )

Friday April 16 2010 - Mexico City - Day 2

Day two of the Mexican adventure …

Didn’t sleep well last night

Ate too much at dinner I think (?)

Frustrated with the internet situation at job site and feeling cut off from the world

Never realized how isolated I am and how much I depend on the conversation or at least the voyeurism of the facebook community

I am now ready to admit I have no real relationships in Conroe and I am much more a social person than I had thought

Thru the internet I am at least able to communicate and be communicated with …

Sad commentary

But

It is what it is

Moving on

The earth is rumbling …

Earthquakes, volcanoes and I am sure soon to be hurricanes the likes of which we have never seen

HAARP

I truly believe that

Tea Parties

Is it too little too late

Wake up people

I look off into the distance

At 930 am you can not see the mountains thru the smog

People are playing tennis on the courts below

Terra Cotta

That’s the colour of many of the buildings and rooftops

There has to be a reason why

Three new workmen arrive

Something to do with the sprinkler system which has to be moved

All of them are well dressed and very aromatic 

That seems to be a thing here with the men

Lots of cologne

Some of it quite pungent and not at all pleasant

That and given the fact when several of them gather together there is often a clashing of the smells

I hear the helicopter though it is nowhere in site

BJ calls

Nice to hear his voice

He seems to be handling the transition from duo / team  to single truck driving well

Praise the Lord

My paper work / invoices are all caught up

The itinerary is complete for the next two days

I have my “to do” list ready for when I get back to the hotel and have access to the internet

Photos downloaded and cataloged

Ready for upload – again – when I get internet

The maid is busy doing the morning dishes

I swept the floor from where Johnny had made a mess

Tools are in order

Trash has been collected

Back to my book … and jelly beans

Midmorn – Mr Manzanilla strides into the kitchen with greetings

He wants to know if we are on or ahead of schedule

I tell him I think we are ahead ( though it is only the day two )

We chat about the beautiful view I have from my perch in the corner of the kitchen

He assures me the one on the other side of the house is equally nice if not better

With a pat on my head and a gentle smile he wishes me adieu and again - I return to my book

Needing sound

Music

iTunes …

After several minutes Jonnis song “You Belong To Me” comes on

I am flooded with emotion

Tears stream down my face

It is what I want …

James Morrison “You Give Me Something” …

It is what I need …

Romance ?

Not really

Just affection and unconditional love

The feeling that someone knows and cares

To have that whole in my heart filled

To be complete

Is that possible ?

Switching gears my mind wanders to the other side of the world where one of the greatest joys of my life is embarking on her own

As her birthday approaches my mind is pulled back to a time and place I long to return to

A place filled with hope

Joy

Ignorance

Simplicity

It was all so clear

Easy

Nothing ever brought me down

Purpose and clarity

Dignity

But now …

Where am I

What am I doing

If you cant contribute or are not acknowledged what is the point ?

If you are not needed – or wanted – how can you justify your existence

“If We Hold On Together” ( Land Before Time )

The butterfly is back …

As if the Universe is telling me – hang on – just a little longer

He / She ( the butterfly ) was a metaphor in the “Alice” movie too

Symbolism

It is what drives – motivates – and centres me

Perhaps foolish

Dangerous

But it is “me”

Sebrina just called …

All my fears and doubts from tunnel have been lifted

Amen

“Rock Your Soul”

Thank You Jonni~Renee

Glancing down on the rooftops

There is laundry

Even in this swanky neighbourhood

How funny

“ I Wanna Be One With You”

But who is that ?

I thought I knew

Now I am not so sure

“ I feel closer to the clouds”

“My desires are these”

Body piloting is freedom for me

It consumes me

Still

Can it be shared or am I on a solo flight and journey?

Jacaranda

That’s what they call the purple plant / tree according to Mr Manzanilla

I still think it may be wisteria

I am going to look it up as soon as I can get on line

Its 1 oclock already …

Im hungry

Everyone is working

Quietly

Im still hungry

Back to my book though it is getting increasingly hard to concentrate

Im hungry

It is so silent now that I can hear the buzzing of the lights … and the rumbling of my tummy

The dog barks

Below in the alley he is addressing what appears to be a cat

I wonder how hard it is for an animal to learn different dialects?

I mean – for sure this dog speaks Spanish

My dogs speak English

But what if I was to bring them here or take that one home ?

How quickly would they adjust to the commands in a new language ?

Nap time

If I cant eat I will shut my eyes and return to my dreams and inspirations

Marty – why dont you see about lunch

FINALLY

I asked Vincente to ask Megal where I could go to get food

Somehow – twenty minutes later it was ascertained that lunch had already been ordered from Starbucks

Mr Manzanilla appeared from nowhere

He spoke directly to me

He said he was uncomfortable with us eating anything other than from Starbucks or the Hotel

I agreed

We waited

I glanced up at the mountains which were now in full view again

Strange

When the clouds roll over and the sun disappears the mountains come out of hiding

I can hear the servants rustling with the bags

I know lunch has arrived

Yup

Finally

Much the same as yesterdays with the exception of one sandwich which was specifically doled out to Johnny

We ate and then everyone got back to work

Though today is much quieter – much less banging going on – it appears to be far more productive

I think we really are ahead of schedule

I placed my nose back into my book

I am determined to complete it during the trip

Suddenly I smell bananas

It seems to be coming from the ceiling which I would think is next to impossible as it is all torn apart here in the kitchen

Perhaps I am hallucinating?

I have done worse

It would be interesting to now the symbolism behind bananas

I will put it on my list of things to do when I get back on line this evening

Dust covers  my keyboard

The mountains are fading away on the horizon

The sun – as can be predicted / expected – is reappearing

I can also now smell a faint hint of the iron board and starch the maid is obviously processing the laundered cloths with

It was particularly strong whilst I was in the bathroom as her chambers are just off to the right.

That smell takes me back to Magharah when Glady used to starch and press Grandma Vivies things

Mr Manzanilla wanders thru the room

It is now after 4pm

I am almost sure he wants us gone for the day

In his quiet, understated manner he is still almost defiant

It is apparent to me he does not like having people in his space or disrupting his very well laid out plan and routine

In other words – he is merely tolerating our presence

OUCH

Another crank in my neck

I must have dozed off …

Its almost half past 5

Mr Manzanilla is anxious

I hear the guys cleaning up

I guess that’s my que to get at it too

Thursday April 15 2010 - Mexico City - Day 1

Sitting in the kitchen (?)

Eleven stories up … overlooking the city

Off in the distance to my right there is a shadow of the mountains that appear to surround the city …

Below me – in the immediate vicinity – are trees and vegetation – which seems odd – given the fact tat this IS the city

I notice a particular plant ( tree ) that is a lovely lilac colour …

Perhaps it is a lilac tree ?

Of this I am unsure

I must inquire if I can find anyone around who can actually speak English

Johnny is busy

Vince and Kenneth are too

I am so far impressed with all of their focus and work ethics

Mr Manzanilla staff seems friendly and eager to please us

The house ( apartment ) is like a labyrinth

All I can discern is that it is on the eleventh floor

We come and go and are contained for the most part to the service entrance and air conditioning areas.

No matter – that is what we are here for

The city bustles below

So much energy

It isn’t healthy though

In fact – its quite disturbing to me

When I flew in yesterday I had terrible flashes of the city on fire – mass confusion and destruction

I sense annihilation everywhere

Im cold

I have been since I got here

Detatched

Isolated

Somehow removed from the masses

Come here Marty – I need your help

Hold this while I put it together

Participating in the process

Yet not

I feel like Im going to be sick …

Dizzy

Thoughts swarming around in my head

Stomach churning

The staff whispers around me

Don’t they understand that I don’t

Funny

Even though there is a language barrier I can somehow ascertain much of what they “mean”

Body language speaks volumes

A look

A gesture

Even in a different culture it can and does give you away

I wonder what they make of my behaviour ?

I know they cant read what I write but if they could ….

The pounding stopped momentarily

Lots of chatter

From English to Spanish and then back to English again

Vincente translates

Or does he ?

Air Quality Control

That’s what we are here for

The haze thickens over the city

The mountains are all but “gone”

Im coughing now …

My throat is beginning to constrict

Mr Manzanilla comes thru a door I have yet to see him use

He observes the process and then vanishes

Suddenly – a fury of activity

Three other Mexicans arrive

One is Tomas’ father and you can tell – even thru the language barrier – of which we have established there really isn’t one – that he is a proud man / father

The kitchen is a buzz

The houseboy is wrapping things up for protection

The labourers are bringing in the ladders and equipment

Johnny is climbing up and down the ladder inspecting the situation

I glance out the window

The smog is clearing

I can SEE the mountains

They are as clear as day

I long to be out in the country side – perhaps even hiking them

My attention is drawn back into the kitchen

Loud noises

Banging

My head begins to pound

Visions of the Grinch with the drums in his head … LOL

Then – as quick as it started it was gone

The maid arrived with lunch

Sandwiches – from Starbucks

How amusing …

The quiet was almost unnerving

I guess the guys were HUNGRY

I sat on my perch and looked out the window

The bustle below me on the streets continues

The mountain view was now so clear I could reach out and almost touch them

I was indeed in a bowl

Both the geographically and physically

A fish bowel

I hadn’t noticed until now how much glass there was around me

The building curved

Again – like a bowl

Startled by a noise

The workmen are returning to the kitchen

Lunch is over

I wonder if there will be a siesta ?

Across the street I notice a building

It is about 5 stories high

There is a roof top garden on it

I can see large pots filled with plants , a lawn chair and some tables

No laundry hanging from the doors or windows which is amazing because even in this swanky part of town it seems to be the norm

A top of that there is a satellite dish and a bunch of mechanical devices which I assume service the building

I wonder who lives there and what they do ?

I retreat to the bathroom

Im not sure if it is because I am nervous or if it is all the fruit and beverage I have consumed but I am using the lavatory excessively

Ironically – as I sit on the pot – I notice a small round object on the floor

It is the missing vitamin I lost this morning when – at the ungodly hour – we had to get up and get ready for the day

Normally – I wouldn’t eat anything ff the floor but – ok – that’s a lie – but – typically – I wont eat something off the floor – but in this case – due to the obsessive nature of the staff in keeping everything so clean I felt “safe”

WOW

A helicopter just flew overhead

Literally

I watch it circle around

It could not be more than 200 feet from the building

As it navigates thru the skyline I extend my vision as far as possible to see what path it will take

One, two and then three circles around our peremiter it takes

All at the same or near altitude

Then – from behind – it is gone and I do not have the advantage of seeing where

I wish there was a balcony

I would love to just sit out there and watch and listen to the city

Then I remember the reason we are here

Air Quality Control

It doesn’t look terribly bad …

Just a little grubby / dingy

It has actually cleared up quite a bit I the past few hours

What is this ?

MORE food … and the helicopter – AGAIN !

This time the food is definitely authentic – Mexican for sure

Smells delish but I am stuffed – for now

Ok- where is that helicopter

Gone again …

If I cant get on line soon – I think I am going to go mad

I didn’t realize how addicted I am to the thing

Perhaps I should take note ?

My mind drifts back to this mornings breakfast

I was amazed to here the birds sing as the sun rose

Even though there is a park across the street from the hotel I did not expect to see or hear much in the way of wild life

A dog barks

Now how can I hear that from the eleventh floor – especially with all the racket going on ?

Yup

It’s a dog for sure

I can see him on the street below

He is barking at a person in the back alley

And look – there is a butterfly – yellow to be exact – flying over the top of the trees

I reach for my camera but both make their moves before I can make mine

The dog continues to bark

The unidentified person gets in their car and drives away …

The dog continues on his way

I lay my head on the marble counter top for what was to be for only a moment

I could hear the hustle and bustle all around me but it was essential that I withdraw

To my quiet place

I had to think – to feel – and to see the visions that were swirling around in my mind

When I lifted my head half the ceiling had been removed !

Horns honking

Its only three o clock

The clouds roll back in

Though the air remains mostly clear the day becomes dull and grey

Im craving sugar …

Jelly beans

I have some in my purse

Brilliant

They are Jelly Bellies

I spend the next 20 minutes trying out all the flavours

Entre Mr Manzanilla

Such a mild mannered man

Dressed in a suit coat and tie but sporting leather slippers he is the opitamy of refinement

His cologne is quaint yet understated

A pleasant change from some of the more pungent odors other men are wearing

It seems here in Mexico that is a pre requisite

Lots of talking gong on

Some in English but most in Spanish

I feel like I am in quarantine

All this plastic wrap

Reminds me of ICU …

Its after 4

The sun is making one last valiant effort to appear

There must be another kitchen in the house because I can smell cooking …

I raised my head again …

It was 530

Marty – start to pick up all our mess

I must have nodded off ( again )

A quick glance out the window

It has obviously rained ( drizzled ) as the roof tops are all wet

Everything has changed colour

It all looks “richer”

You cant see any precipitation from my vantage point so I must have slept thru it

I patrolled the site and picked up all the obvious trash

I took all his notes – which were strewn from one end of the service area to another – and placed them all in the briefcase

I gathered up all my belongings

It was time to go !

Fear ( and The Witching Hour ) - Jan 2008

Its 3 o clock in the morning ...

My Grandpa use to call it the witching hour

He said to never deny your self the privilege of being open to whatever the Universe has to tell you during this time.

Years later I heard Dr Wayne Dyer say much the same thing

All I know is that some of my greatest insights and creative work comes to me when I am aroused or wakened during this time

My electro magnetic field is spinning...

Rather than disrupt JTs sleep ( for a second night in a row ) I got up , took some more cough medicine and began to write down what has come upon my heart

Its raining here - and the sound of rain - hitting the roof is calming and disruptive - both at the same time

That got me to thinking - much of life is like that too.

There are always two - or more - ways to look at things

Simplistically - the glass is either half empty or half full.

Its all in our perception

And each of us do - and must - have our own

( perception )

It is what makes us our own unique individual

It gives us our identity

The irony of it all of course is that we are in fact all one

Each of us a part of the whole

Call it God - the Source - or Universe

There is an undeniable thread that links us all one to another.

Ok - here is the kicker

My epiphany as it were

ALL things in life are not only related to each other but here - in the human state - they are bound by fear

The key to our evolution may in fact be in our ability to rise above - control - or perhaps most importantly - reconcile and deal with it

This is what I now firmly believe

Our basic human instinct is to be loved

That is our driving motivation - emotionally - once our primal needs - food and protection - are met.

Think about it

Im on a roll here

We are ALL afraid of "being alone" - not being loved ...

We want to feel a connection

On some rudimentary level - that social level - as humans - we are driven to seek and engage in others.

Some more than others - some more aware of it - but all of us - as humans - have this need

All emotions are based in fear - or should I say - a direct defense against it

They are outward espressions of this root ( fear )

The more passionate the emotion - the greater the fear - but the root fear is being alone - not being LOVED

Isolation

Lack of connection

The more intellectually evolved one is - the better they are able to assimilate and control their emotions

Only a select few will ever be able to ascend to a level and dimensional vibration of spiritual awareness where they understand and can co exist with this matter

And - because of the human condition - the fallen consciousness- never for extended periods of time

So

We must grasp at those insightful moments and strive to attain the lesson

Think about all those people with anger management problems

They work so hard at learning how to control their emotions

But how many of them seek the truth

Or what I believe it to be

How many of them look inside themselves - go to the root cause - the fear - and deal with that.

Its got to be the same in all of us

We are all human

By recognizing your fear of being alone it frees you to accept and work with it.

I think thats why I seldom get "angry"

I shift very quickly into sadness and embracing my "fear" .

Side bar

A book

"Transcending Fear" - by my friend Brian Germain

Life altering for those who choose to take the message

The rain is stopping now

Reprieve

It is getting quiet ...

My medicine is working and I feel like sleep is again now not far off

Im GLAD I wrote this

I think there are some of you out there who will relate

I hope ...

The Universe has been kind in sharing with me and

As Always

I am trying to Pay It Forward

I know ...

I have been accused of thinking too much

And I guess its true

I have also been accused of being a drama queen - to which I initially took offence but then ...

I got to thinking about it - LOL

Drama is about passion

And I AM a passionate person

So I will sassed

I am a drama queen

But

I dont like chaos, noise and confusion

I dont like lies and deception

And yes - I am passionate about that !

Here are two small but perhaps riveting thoughts ...

1.       If we complain that our parents don't understand and accept us for who we are - we also must ask whether we understand and accept our parents for who they are.

and

  2.  When we take responsibility for our decisions then we give ourselves the        opportunity to change                                                                    

Fear and / Of Love ( march 2008 )

Thinking about FEAR ( again )

What IS it that allows this 'thing' to consume us ... ?

I have come to believe it is a constant demon - lurking in the subconscious of us all

When the veil is lifted - the barrier between what we know and what we feel is pierced - this 'thing' seems to come rushing to the fore front

I REALLY believe - at the root of ALL human 'fear' - is the FEAR of not being LOVED

Therefore - it is now my task to define such ...  ( 'love' )

I am determined to let go of the past

I am determined not to think about ( or fear ) the future

I am determined to be in the present and absorb ALL

( that I am humanly capable of ) 

This is my duty and repentance for this gift of life I have been given

And so - in this moment - with my new reality and quest ... I stay still - allow it all to come to me - and gain the ability to move on

More to follow

Smell The Roses ( And the Azaleas )

I have a cold 
My nose is stuffed .. 
I can not smell - or taste a thing 
I am trying so hard not to be miserable 
Up since three am - my infamous witching hour - I was finally able to doze back off to sleep just before the sunrise. 
Johnny left EARLY 
The house was so still … 
Soon - I heard a bird - and then another 
They were beckoning me to rise 
I got a cup of coffee and went out on the back deck 
Manifesting a vision the Jenn Bear has of me - I began to think  and then jot down some of my thoughts 
Reality is changing once again
Or is it ?  
Maybe it is just coming full circle
The circle of life … 
The sun rises over the lake 
My ducks are back 
As they swim quietly by the end of the dock I suddenly become aware of the fact that in this silence I can hear all … 
In this instance - my life - and my journey - become more clear
I am calmed
I turn to east and notice a squirrel perched on the edge of the rail
It is as if he wants to remind me 
Look 
The azaleas are beginning to bloom 
Enjoy their beauty for it is unique and in and of itself an irreplaceable moment in time 
Time I have been given 
A gift 
And so - it doesn't matter that I can not smell the roses
I can sense them 
I can feel them 
I am alive 

 
 

Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow ( March 2008 )

So …

Yesterday - I had my hair cut

And when I say cut - I mean CUT

CHOPPED - Hacked

Virtually REMOVED !

I had been wanting to do this ever since the divorce became final

Actually wanted to shave my head but out of respect for JT and the fact that I am about to embark on a new career and business in a new town - not to mention the fact Britney sort of gave us head shavers a bad rep and publicity … well - I opted for the next best thing.

It was SO Liberating

Chessie asked me if it was "butchie"

I would tend to describe it as a short bob

Sassy

Think "Pixie"

There is something cleansing about removing ones hair

Almost spiritual…

Many women subconsciously cut at or off their hair before they commit suicide

Now don't get frantic

Im not there ( yet )

I just wanted to "start fresh"

Have some NEW Growth

And now I can achieve that

And MORE !

Desire - Intimacy - And Our Ability To Embrace Them ( March 2008 )

There is something about desire that has the ability to be all consuming to those brave enough to seek it, see it, be in it and own it.  
There is something about intimacy that has the ability to do the same.
But 
There is something about the human condition and its reality that - more often than not - that forbids most of us to even go there. 

Choices ( March 2008 )

Life is about choices ...
A personal journey that should ultimately lead to accountability and responsability
Freedom to make choices is critical. 
We spend the first half of our lives "becoming" some kind of person - and then we spend the second half (hopefully) getting "free" of the person we’ve become.

Something Old ... Something New ( April 2008 )

When I was growing up I remember someone saying ... 

"If you take care of the penneys - the nickle and dimes ( and dollars ) will take care of themselves"
Thru practice - I came to believe and trust in that concept
It WORKED ( for me )
Now - at this thoughtful time of my life - I have come to discover that this principle can be adapted and applied to accomodate another very complex - yet basic concept
"If you take care of the moments - the hours and days ( and years ) will take care of themselves"
What do you think ...

Am I on to something here ?

How BLESSED Am I ( APril 2008 )

How BLESSED am I ....
EVERY morning ...
I wake up to a hug and a kiss from one of the most significant persons in my life ...
I roll over - look out - and watch the sun rise over the lake ...
I sit up - stretch - and listen as the birds begin to sing ...
I head for the kitchen and pour a cup of FRESH brewed coffee ...
I sit down and watch - as the deer miander thru the yard - stopping just long enough to graze on whatever was put out the night before
( this usually makes for the PERFECT photo op )
Then
Reality sets in - the world beckons ...
And I can respond - content ...
KNOWING
How Blessed I am ...

Mothers Day ( revisited ) - May 2008

Another Mothers Day has come and gone ...and I - for one - am glad !

Its sort of like Christmas

With the entire commercial hoof er rah I think the meaning of Mothers Day has somehow been lost or overlooked at best.

This year Mothers Day was kind of "weird" 

Not only did I not have - or see - either of my two spawns - but I did not receive anything directly from them either one of them either ...

BJ did give me a very brief call - first thing in the morning - and Im talking 7 amish here ... but then preceded to ask me if I had ordered his fishing lures yet  ( the ones he can not buy on line because he doesnt have a debit card and his father - the Sperm Donner - wont get for him )

Anyway ... no big deal because I spent the day doing something I LOVE 

( hanging out at the drop zone and jumping out of airplanes )

During the day my thoughts obviously drifted back to days gone by and my own mother - for whom which I bought and sent the obligatory card and made the aforementioned phone call - neither of which I am convinced will register as she is now in the initial stages of Alzheimer’s.

That having been said - I remembered something she told me years back when we made our reconciliation after not having talked for almost five long years ...

She told me she never really wanted anything for me other than for me to be "happy"

Well - I dont buy into the whole "happy" thing but ... what I DO think is that I really dont want - or need ANYTHING from my kids either other than them to be content with themselves and the environment they create ... to be open to all the choices life has to offer - to be "their best"

( not "the best" ) at whatever they do choose to do - and to be accountable for those choices and subsequent actions ...

Oh - and I want them to ENJOY this journey we call Life and ALL that it has to offer as well because - as I have learned - its not so much the destination - as we may never get there - but the journey itself and lessons along the way that give us the opportunity to become who we are meant to be !