October 07 - The Pines Speak

Its a "Blustery Day " as my friend Pooh would say ..

A  North wind and subsequent cold front has blown in.

There are white caps on the lake.

They blow straight towards the house stopping only at the bulkhead and sea wall.

Splashing up with a rhythmic beauty my eyes are held to the windows at the beautiful yet powerful site.

The rain is bone chilling.

Every once in a while the dogs bark and I jump when a branch or limb falls hard on the roof.

Johnny promised that would be the NEXT project ( replacing it - the roof )

A break in the action allows the girls and I to go out a par ooze the premises.

There are limbs everywhere. They need to be picked up.  Ill save that for another days work ....

The pine trees wave to and fro not unlike they did in the Panhandle of Florida and Lorne Park Estates on the shores of Lake Ontario so many years ago ... 

My mind locks.

I am taken back to my childhood where - roaming the Park on just such occasions, my mother and I would delight in the majesty of such sounds.

The air even smells "familiar"

It must be all the pine ?

I inhale

I am breathing

I can hear my heart beat but I am relaxed

I am at Peace

I am in a GOOD place

I am taken

October 07 - Pines Speak / Chapter 2

Before I get into the above for mentioned dissertation ... has anyone ever found it odd that with all the categories available to choose from I continually select "life"...

And WHEN is Tom going to put "spell check" on this dang thing ?

I have asked him ( several times ) - but apparently I am not important enough to be acknowledged...

And - whilst I am venting - does anyone know how to upload a particular song if you can not find it in the music category so that you can have a non available song choice as yours 

Ok - back to Chapter Two ...

Today - much the same - only SUN ( and Blue Skies ) Strange - no aromas though ? 

As the sun set - so too did the wind ... settling down into only the occasional gust. Gentle breezes. Only whispers in the trees. 

Tomorrow it will be calm again - or so it does appear - but oh - what a WILD ride it was. 

Racing down memory lane, aloft in the wind - like a kite sailing off thru the skies - I took my journey - owned it - and am now wiser and richer for it  

November 07 - Relationship Ditty

Relationships are one of the most confusing things in the Universe to me right now ...

Big Surprise there eh - LOL

This past weekend - well - four days actually - I got to sit around and do a LOT of thinking. As dangerous as that may be - I was able to gain some clarity on some concepts and issues that have been haunting me for some time now.

Articulation was the key - Semantics

I was finally able to express in words and understand the emotions that reside within me and torment my every waking thought. Trying to make logic of feelings. Trying to reconcile them with what my mind maps have established.

This was the challenge that I now believe I may have over come - if only temporarily.

The BEST kind of relationship is the one that awakens the soul. It is the kind that make us reach for more - even when we can reach no more. With passion planted in our hearts yet a peace of mind and calm quiet contentment of the spirit - the BEST relationships challenge us to grow and become the BEST person we can be and in so doing become the person we were intended to be.  

mjm

PS Though this could be applied to interpersonal relationships - and certainly is to my new, exciting and challenging  life - it was the relationship of me to the sky - and skydiving - that inspired this self revelation. I spent the last 4 days having the privilege of watching some of the most dog gone kool people being exposed to, learning and conquering some outrageously awesome new skills and feats in the sky - both on a personal level and as it applies to the others they were flying with !    

Someday - I too hope to join them !

WOW

November 07 - To Purge - Cleanse - And Let Go ( I hope )

Change - especially as radical and definitive as death - often brings out the very best ( and worst ) in people ....

Most people dont like "change" - It takes them outside the box - outside their comfort zone - where they may even have to face "reality"

I lost a friend this past week ... we all did - but the resulting chaos that ensued over the circumstances is almost unbelievable and inexcusable to say the least. 

People have said and done things I thought they would never have been capable of and I have been left heart broken, sadden and numb.

It is going to take me quite a while to digest all that has transpired and I am not sure I will ever really be able to look at the Skydiving Community in quite the same light ever again

You see - I am a "newbie" and like many others - I came into this sport at a time in my life when I was trying to recover from ( several ) tragic situations.

In the skydiving community I found hope, support and comradely. I found a place where - thru a common interest ( passion ) - I felt like I belonged.

I was blown away by the feeling of brotherhood amongst you.

But now - I am shell shocked. The back stabbing and guilt mongruling comments flying around the internet - and Lord knows where else - have left my tummy tied up in knots.

Enough is enough

Truth is - we may never know the truth - not about this situation - or any other.

Though truth is constant and unchanging - our perception of it is not. Time and emotions change things and so we are each - individually - eventually left to reconcile within our own heart and mind "what is and what was"

I do believe in karma and what goes around will come around so if there was any type of malice or negativity involved here - and I am not saying that there is - I am simply stating that - eventually - the Universe will set things straight

Or So think I ...

One thing I think and hope we can ALL agree on is that Scott was a definite "one in a million" type guy.

His spirit - almost child like and innocent beyond reproach - allowed him to rise above the moment and continue to smile and bring joy and positive energy to everyone and everything he encountered - even when - often times - those of us around him - me included - may have behaved otherwise.

I cant help but wonder what he would think of all of us now ?

I - for one - believe it is time we just "let it go". I believe in my heart this is what Scott would want too ...

The REALITY is - we are ALL going to die.

How many of us will be lucky enough to go out doing something we love ?

Scott had the privilege of doing just that ... and somehow - I think - he will be there to meet us again one day - check us all in with that great big grin, pat on the back or knuckle knock that he has become so "famous" for !

Scottie - Thanx for the memories - for being such a GREAT friend to me when I was "all alone", for always helping me with all my "stuff" , for eating all my candy ( and  you still owe me a bag of skittles by the way ) and for sharing your "butts and bathroom" duty with me ! You made my world a better place and the things you taught me shall never be forgotten ... AMEN

December 07 - About Me

Once upon a time - in a land far far away... a little girl came into this world. Her journey - unbeknownst to most - including herself - was to be that of a messenger. It took a long long time - and a very twisted path - for her to reconcile that fact but now that she has - she has found an inner peace and contentment to deal with all that which is put before her.

Truth is - it was there all along - she just chose to "fight it"

Her true heart and soul revel in the fact that she CAN "Pay It Forward" and make a difference - one moment at a time - one person at a time - and that the Universe will take care of the rest.

The secret is to BREATH - stay in the moment - and be REAL !

Epicanthi

My life is only as I see it - It is as irrelevant to you - as is anyone else's life that you don't know or are not a part of ... I get to determine my self worth - not you ( or anyone else )  

If you dare to want to know me - you must care enough to try.

You are a witness to my existence - not that which determines it. 

I believe I am very often misunderstood. I don't see things the way most people do. 

Finally - I am at PEACE with that !








January 08 - New Years Reflections - A Year in Review ( 2007 )

It was only a year ago ... TODAY - I was on my "first official vacation" with the Tubbs family ... a group of eclectic individuals I would soon become a part of ... if only on the outer limits.

We were in Keystone, Colorado - the place where - co incidentally - we have just returned from

I was meeting the kids - "his kids" - for the very first time - an experience similar to - only ten times worse than - meeting the parents !

Drugged up on pain pills - still learning to navigate my crutches - a condition which was a bi product of me crushing my foot in October - it wasn't the "best" of experiences but ... it was - as are all things in my life - an experience ( to say the least )

February was filled with heart ache and trepidation.

I had my "first official divorce hearing" - one of which would turn out to be a long series of frustrations

I DID fly to Houston to "SURPRISE" JT for Valentines Day and that was - of course - the high light of that month.

In March - I tired to work

Thank Goodness for Ms Tiff.

She moved in, held my hand, drove me around and helped me re negotiate my life style.

Jonni~Renee was home for two weeks as well.

We had a GLORIOUS Girls Night Out and got to "bond" before she was off traveling the world again - this time to the Baltic's.

In April - my beloved son BJ decided to move back with his father.

This was a decision that was a long time in the making ... one that / who's writing was clearly "on the wall" but nonetheless no easier for this mother to accept or deal with.

Upset and despondent - I spent most of the month in the arms of the man I was falling in love with ... my friend and companion - JT

By May - MY writing was clearly on the wall.

I knew I had to be out of my accommodations and so the hunt began to find a new nest of my own.

I also was fortunate enough to finally close on the lake house in Jackson County which freed up enough cash for me to pay off all my accumulating debt and take care of most of BJs medical expenses as well.

I began in earnest - the healing process that each individual must do after any major life change ( s ) .

Thru massage, hypno therapy and counseling - not to mention my beloved skydiving - I was able to find my core and set myself up for the new journey I was about to embark on.

In June I began to sort thru - purge - and pack my belongings.

That process included making numerous trips back and forth to Jackson County collecting what little of my life that remained there.

It was a cathartic experience all on its own !

July was spent in Texas - again with the man I have come to know as one of my greatest mentors ...

Without his love and support - not to mention encouragement - I am sure I would not have faired as well as I did

We made some WONDERFUL JUMPS ( and memories ) and just being in Texas - away from "it all" - provided me with the much needed sanctuary and time to collect my thoughts and energy.

By August I had made two offers on two properties - neither of which came to fruition.

Frustrated and confused I tried to stay focused on the task at hand.

In September - back in Texas - we decided to take our relationship to the next level.

By October - I was ready to - and moved !

In all THAT commotion - Jonni~Renee blew in for a two week visit before she accepted her next "gig" in Macau China.

November was spent unpacking and re organizing "my life" as I knew it.

By December - I was a "Texan" - and a Tubbs - for all intensive purposes

Marty Skydive is looking forward to 2008 with the excitement and innocence of the child within

Breathing, staying in the moment - and yes - still paying it forward - I KNOW - thru FAITH and GRACE - this is where I am suppose to be ...

January 08

Ummm ...
I may have said this before - in several other ways ...
But
I think one of the most important things in life is to be REAL with ones self
For without this ...
How can one expect to be real - or otherwise - with anyone else ?

December 08 from September 07

I wrote this back in September of 2007 when I was packing up my "stuff" and getting ready to move to Texas

Funnily enough ... most of my "stuff" still remains in boxes - in storage - here in Texas. I have had not the time - or the inclination - to deal with it yet

Does this mean - even the few items of "stuff" I brought with me are insignificant ?

SURELY not ????????

When I think back to HOW MUCH I GOT RID OF ... it still pulls at my heart.

A "fear" dwells deep within me that someday I will want to see, feel and smell my "stuff"

Life has a funny way of coming full circle.

If you dont get it the first time around - the lesson will re appear - perhaps in a different format - with different players - but the same lesson none the less.

I am currently privy to the mechanics of another couple breaking up and having to deal with the distribution - or more exactly - the relocation of "stuff"

This - of course - got me to thinking...

Waking up this morning I KNEW the time had come for me to write something about my "stuff" ...

You know - the things we relentlessly drag with us - from one place to another - throughout our lives

For some of us these may be tangible items - articles we have collected and meticulously saved. 

I had a LOT of those ...

For others it may be emotional baggage and ideals - good and or bad - that we try to cling to in times of need. Im guilty on that account too although I have worked very hard the past few years to rectify this situation   

So - for me- it was BOTH !

I come from a long history of "pack rats".

Perhaps it was a post war and depression generational thing but my mother never threw ANYTHING out !

Everything was recycled until its utility and economic life had completely expired or the box it was put into for those "just in case moments" grew mold or was long lost and forgotten.

I can remember her painstakingly re folding wrapping paper - and even though I dont recall ever actually seeing it on any packages later (?) I do know where she stored the collection.

FYI - My kids will probably tell you they remember me doing the very same thing only I can proudly report I USED the "stuff" religiously 

Isnt it funny how the very things that we mock our parents for in distain we somehow re create - if only in a changed or distorted version - in our own lives ?

Anyway - back to MY "stuff"

This is not the time or place to discuss the emotional aspects ... though if one reads previous blogs you may well be able to decipher much of the process I went through whilst I was hopefully healing.

Right now - I am here to tell you about the tangible "stuff" ... the items that we somehow convince ourselves that we need when all the while much of which is only what we want.

When I became cognoscente of the impending split between the Sperm Donor and myself more than half the items we had jointly collected over the course of almost 25 years of co habituating - not to mention the things I had brought into the mirage - much of which were family heirlooms - was gone.

I was then faced with the daunting task of dealing with what little remained and preserving what I could - especially for our children.

To add insult to injury - though I had been applying much of my mothers organizational skills over the years whilst storing these items - when it was time for me to actually address the situation - much had been pilfered threw and left in what I felt to be - disarray.

With feelings of violation, abandonment and humiliation I set in for what would become the six month task of examining, sorting, purging and re packing "my stuff"  

In the end - which is now just before me - the results were strangely amazing.

More that half of what initially remained was systematically disposed of - mostly to Good Will and other such charity organizations but some items lovingly passed on to others.

My goal here was to get rid of the "chi"

I felt like what happened in the past was to remain in the past and I did not want to bring much of it forward into my new reality.

What remained was transported down to Orlando and placed in storage for round two.

When I was emotionally capable of the next step - each and every item that was left - including those that were in my existing domicile - were acutely examined and addressed as to their utility in my "new life".

All items pertaining to the children that had not been lost, stolen or damaged were painstakingly cleaned and repacked - labeled for future reference.

Again - what was left was whittled down to a bare minimum.

I now own major stock in Sterile plastic tubs but I am here to report that everything I own - with the exception of some major furniture items - most of which are the heirlooms I referred to earlier - is now in the said above referenced containers.

I am now also relieved to know that I can manage each and every one of these containers on my own. They are portable, stackable, well labeled and identifiable as to their contents

Ok - it all may sound a little anal but it works for me

I feel relieved - organized - much lighter - and strongly liberated.

I know in my heart - though I am now condensed into 60 odd tubs - that my kids will never have to deal with the dreaded pandemonium that my siblings and I will when "the parental unit" passes on.

So here I am - me and my tubs - getting ready to begin a NEW and EXCITING chapter in my life ...

Who knows what the future may hold but I truly feel I am better prepared for it by organizing and reducing the baggage from my past

Justice - January 2008

Justice …

Is there really such a thing ?

I am standing in a place where I see none of it

He has lied - cheated - and stole

And continues to do so

He sees himself "above the law" and of ill reproach

I have offered out forgiveness and reconciled to the fact that the person I knew is no more ...

I have tried to behave with dignity and grace

It is SO hard

All I want is the TRUTH

The FACTS

And I want them to be known

Not mine

Not HIS

THE Truth ...

And I KNOW there is one burred deep within the anger and hatred that have boiled over and infested all the areas of both our lives

I am standing in a place - alone

Hurt and humiliated

Broken - emotionally and financially

I am feeling that ...

If there is any "justice" in this twisted up judicial system that the United States of America seems to be so proud of - it exists - and is given to - only those who can lie the BEST !

Saturday - April 17 2010 - Mexico City - Day 3

Didn’t want to get up this morning …

Did have a brief but “productive” conversation with JT about skydiving  though

Maybe he gets it – on some level (?)

The more I think about realities and truth and the minds ability to manipulate them the more I come to understand there may never be a resolution to what we are experiencing.

It is essential that we both understand that there can – and most often are – individual and different perceptions of the same event

We must at least respect the fact that we do not agree - but neither of us is necessarily wrong

He appears to have disconnected from me – especially concerning this situation

Relationships take two …

They take honest communication

They take trust

I cant do it by myself

He has to want it too

Namaste

The job site is quite

No activity in the kitchen or elsewhere

Megal arrives early ( 8 am )

He typically hasn’t been here until 10

Other than that – it is only us

Chilly today

The locals are in coats

Kenneth is in shorts ( and love’n it )

Vince just wants a “real breakfast”

LOL

These guys are pretty dang kool

At my perch I survey the horizon

0900

City smog eliminates any possibility of mountain views

No traffic below

No tennis players

There is a maintenance man sweeping the courts and tending to the foliage but that is all the activity I can observe

Its like the city is a mere shell of what it was during the week

I wonder where all the people go ?

I feel so “alone” ( isolated )

Reminds me of that movie “I am Legend” and I am sure there are several others … where the city is deserted except for the one survivor

Strange

Johnny is actually on a ladder in the kitchen but – if it weren’t for the visual I wouldn’t even know he is there

I have never seen him so quiet

The purple stuff is jacaranda

It is indigenous to the Central America / Caribbean area …

With everyone situated and no more requests for my services it is time to return to my book

Marty – get over here – I need you to flick this switch

Jarred from another dimension ( Oceania to be exact ) I dutifully go to the other room where I was instructed on how and what to do

The dining room

It is to my right.

Partitioned off from the kitchen area by a floor to ceiling smoke glass wall

Sparsely furnished it contains only an obviously particularly selected table and chairs and some various oriental artifacts I dated back to the Ming era

Not my taste but I could see how Mr Manzanilla would have chosen these

Minutes later – task complete – I returned to my book ( and Oceania )

WOW – 11 o clock

Where did the time go ?

Still no sign of any of the staff – other than Megal who shuffles quietly from one room to another.

I can hear Kenneth – occasionally – break into a chuckle – but this is so muted – and rare – I have been able to focus only on my book and its chilling images

I hear voices … outside, down below

The courts show some activity

There are people on the rooftops across the way

One is most definitely a labourer repairing a plaster wall.

The other appears to be an inhabitant as he is wandering around looking at all the plants

Perhaps he is watering them ?

I cannot tell from this distance

Johnny must hear the voices too as his concentration is broken and he descends from the ladder and wanders into the other room where I hear him inquire as to the status of the job

Vince replies and then translates to Spanish

I assume Megal is in the other room with them

Still no sign of Mr Manzanilla or any of the other staff

My tummy is churning

My back is stiff and sore

I wish I had internet

I hear the dog bark

Johnnys phone goes off

Whoever it was hung up on him

He asks me to monitor the phone …

Potty break and then to my trash rounds

Chilly has turned to breezy in the mechanical room

I attribute that to the fact that it is “open” with only a concrete grid wall between it and the outside world

Kenneth is in his glory

I don’t think Vince seems to mind one-way or the other

Me – I am down right COLD

I pick up the trash and remove myself from the area as quickly as possible

I f there is an air quality issue in the city those guys are exposed to it directly

Again – it doesn’t seem to be an issue to them

In fact – they seem to enjoy the fact that they are connected to the outside world

The sounds I can hear by only straining are loud and clearly audible from their vantage point

I suspect Vince can actually make out much of the conversations thought I equally suspect he is not conscious of it

Here Marty – take this

And this …

Marty – what are you doing – here – take this

After about two minutes – though it seemed much longer – all of his tools had been passed down thru the ceiling whole and placed in an orderly fashion of the cook top which had been covered in boarding, sheets and plastic wrap and made into a make shift operating table

In fact – I felt much like the surgical assistant – not knowing much about the procedures but enough about the tools to be that extra set of hands and of some help

I really would like to have access to a balcony now

I am getting claustrophobic

After noon ….

Megals passings become more pronounced

Dare I say  – I am getting hungry

Should I even mention it to the guys

I can hear Vincente and Megal talking …

I am sure it is about food

Soon Tomas entres with a bag from Starbucks

He tells Vincente that they are all different kinds of sándwiches

Actually – two are the same as what we have had for the past three days but there are three other different ones

Johnny wants me to inspect and distribute making sure his has NO onions

What a project

I opened up all the wrappings

I tasted each one

Eventually – I assigned each member of the group their food

Johnnys phone rings

Its Rich

He wants to know if we have gone up on a load yet

I tell him we are in Mexico

He says it must be nice …

I remind him we are here working

He has no clue or recollection of our previous conversations

Can someone really be that ignorant?

Back to the task at hand

The sandwiches

Vincente was good – as long as the green staff was kept to a minimum

Kenneth loved the grilled veggie – which on the outsider looked ok – except for the black staff which I never did figure out what it was

The hustle and bustle in the kitchen was a welcome distraction

Even though the day seems to be going by quickly it is also ominously boring with the silence and lack of activity

Once the meal is finished everyone disbands

I clear the trash and go back to my writing

Actually – I stared out the window for a time until Vincente appeared and asked me if I wanted a soda.

No – I want Internet

Vincente mentions it to Megal

All at once he leaves the room and comes back with a smile

He requests of Mr Manzanilla to call his computer instructor and tell me the codes

If only I had known it was that easy …

NOT

After a twenty minute conversation and multiple tries I come to realize that even with the codes because of the thickness in the walls my computer will not network efficiently enough with Mr Manzanillas to make it a viable option

To top it all off the most annoying thing is happening with my word processor

For some unknown reason it is underlining almost everything and wanting to translate everything into Spanish even though I keep re setting it to English

Im telling you

Mexico City

Weird

I think it is going to be one of those days …

Oh – well – back to my book

I cant focus …

My stomach is making the strangest rumblings and sounds

I have terrible gas …

Oh no – I hope I don’t get the infamous Montezuma’s revenge?

Its after 3

Is this day ever gong to end ?

Justin called

He sounds distressed although when pressed he says only that he wants his Dad to give him a call

Across the way some children on the 7^th floor balcony are playing “soccer”

All the rooftops show clear signs of an afternoon shower yet from where I am not a drop had been seen

The jacaranda glistens between the green foliages

Off in the distance – my mountains are barely but just visible

There is a slight patch of blue sky almost directly above me but it is not significant enough to say that the weather has in fact cleared ….

Im craving cookies

Tomas – for some strange reason is speaking very good and clear English today

I suspect he has more command of the language than we all know

He comes to visit with me

He shows me photos of his kids and girlfriend

We talk about skydiving

He wants to do it

He is planning to move to Arizona

Go figure

He offers to take me to the basement where there is a vending machine

Woo Hoo

Cookies !

Down the elevator we go

The garage if filled with high end vehicles

Across the way I spot the loot

As we approach I become aware of the fact that the packaging is all Spanish and most of the snacks are unrecognizable

I opt for the chocolate chip

They should be “safe”

Yummy

Almost 5

No sign of Johnny letting up though the guys have been ready to go for at least an hour

Burn out setting in …

Rain too

Dreary outside

A nice hot soak in the tub would be nice if we had one but there is only a shower at the hotel

If I knew then what I knew now I would not have been in such a hurry to switch rooms

We aren’t there long enough for me to enjoy the balcony so I should have kept the room with the tub

I think I can actually see the rain out the window

Not good

My highlighter has run dry

The trash can beside me STINKS

I hear laughter in the other room

Things are lightening up

Soon

I think we can leave

Soon

At 5:50 no one has made the gesture to break

This is getting ridiculous …

Even Mr Manzanilla – who passed thru the kitchen about three times in the last 15 minutes seems more than ready for us to leave

I know I am ready

That shower is calling me

I think I will just have room service tonight and let the guys do their thing

From the hall I hear Johnny ask if they are ready to call it a day

Amen

Im outta here

( after I make the trash run and pick up the tools )

Friday April 16 2010 - Mexico City - Day 2

Day two of the Mexican adventure …

Didn’t sleep well last night

Ate too much at dinner I think (?)

Frustrated with the internet situation at job site and feeling cut off from the world

Never realized how isolated I am and how much I depend on the conversation or at least the voyeurism of the facebook community

I am now ready to admit I have no real relationships in Conroe and I am much more a social person than I had thought

Thru the internet I am at least able to communicate and be communicated with …

Sad commentary

But

It is what it is

Moving on

The earth is rumbling …

Earthquakes, volcanoes and I am sure soon to be hurricanes the likes of which we have never seen

HAARP

I truly believe that

Tea Parties

Is it too little too late

Wake up people

I look off into the distance

At 930 am you can not see the mountains thru the smog

People are playing tennis on the courts below

Terra Cotta

That’s the colour of many of the buildings and rooftops

There has to be a reason why

Three new workmen arrive

Something to do with the sprinkler system which has to be moved

All of them are well dressed and very aromatic 

That seems to be a thing here with the men

Lots of cologne

Some of it quite pungent and not at all pleasant

That and given the fact when several of them gather together there is often a clashing of the smells

I hear the helicopter though it is nowhere in site

BJ calls

Nice to hear his voice

He seems to be handling the transition from duo / team  to single truck driving well

Praise the Lord

My paper work / invoices are all caught up

The itinerary is complete for the next two days

I have my “to do” list ready for when I get back to the hotel and have access to the internet

Photos downloaded and cataloged

Ready for upload – again – when I get internet

The maid is busy doing the morning dishes

I swept the floor from where Johnny had made a mess

Tools are in order

Trash has been collected

Back to my book … and jelly beans

Midmorn – Mr Manzanilla strides into the kitchen with greetings

He wants to know if we are on or ahead of schedule

I tell him I think we are ahead ( though it is only the day two )

We chat about the beautiful view I have from my perch in the corner of the kitchen

He assures me the one on the other side of the house is equally nice if not better

With a pat on my head and a gentle smile he wishes me adieu and again - I return to my book

Needing sound

Music

iTunes …

After several minutes Jonnis song “You Belong To Me” comes on

I am flooded with emotion

Tears stream down my face

It is what I want …

James Morrison “You Give Me Something” …

It is what I need …

Romance ?

Not really

Just affection and unconditional love

The feeling that someone knows and cares

To have that whole in my heart filled

To be complete

Is that possible ?

Switching gears my mind wanders to the other side of the world where one of the greatest joys of my life is embarking on her own

As her birthday approaches my mind is pulled back to a time and place I long to return to

A place filled with hope

Joy

Ignorance

Simplicity

It was all so clear

Easy

Nothing ever brought me down

Purpose and clarity

Dignity

But now …

Where am I

What am I doing

If you cant contribute or are not acknowledged what is the point ?

If you are not needed – or wanted – how can you justify your existence

“If We Hold On Together” ( Land Before Time )

The butterfly is back …

As if the Universe is telling me – hang on – just a little longer

He / She ( the butterfly ) was a metaphor in the “Alice” movie too

Symbolism

It is what drives – motivates – and centres me

Perhaps foolish

Dangerous

But it is “me”

Sebrina just called …

All my fears and doubts from tunnel have been lifted

Amen

“Rock Your Soul”

Thank You Jonni~Renee

Glancing down on the rooftops

There is laundry

Even in this swanky neighbourhood

How funny

“ I Wanna Be One With You”

But who is that ?

I thought I knew

Now I am not so sure

“ I feel closer to the clouds”

“My desires are these”

Body piloting is freedom for me

It consumes me

Still

Can it be shared or am I on a solo flight and journey?

Jacaranda

That’s what they call the purple plant / tree according to Mr Manzanilla

I still think it may be wisteria

I am going to look it up as soon as I can get on line

Its 1 oclock already …

Im hungry

Everyone is working

Quietly

Im still hungry

Back to my book though it is getting increasingly hard to concentrate

Im hungry

It is so silent now that I can hear the buzzing of the lights … and the rumbling of my tummy

The dog barks

Below in the alley he is addressing what appears to be a cat

I wonder how hard it is for an animal to learn different dialects?

I mean – for sure this dog speaks Spanish

My dogs speak English

But what if I was to bring them here or take that one home ?

How quickly would they adjust to the commands in a new language ?

Nap time

If I cant eat I will shut my eyes and return to my dreams and inspirations

Marty – why dont you see about lunch

FINALLY

I asked Vincente to ask Megal where I could go to get food

Somehow – twenty minutes later it was ascertained that lunch had already been ordered from Starbucks

Mr Manzanilla appeared from nowhere

He spoke directly to me

He said he was uncomfortable with us eating anything other than from Starbucks or the Hotel

I agreed

We waited

I glanced up at the mountains which were now in full view again

Strange

When the clouds roll over and the sun disappears the mountains come out of hiding

I can hear the servants rustling with the bags

I know lunch has arrived

Yup

Finally

Much the same as yesterdays with the exception of one sandwich which was specifically doled out to Johnny

We ate and then everyone got back to work

Though today is much quieter – much less banging going on – it appears to be far more productive

I think we really are ahead of schedule

I placed my nose back into my book

I am determined to complete it during the trip

Suddenly I smell bananas

It seems to be coming from the ceiling which I would think is next to impossible as it is all torn apart here in the kitchen

Perhaps I am hallucinating?

I have done worse

It would be interesting to now the symbolism behind bananas

I will put it on my list of things to do when I get back on line this evening

Dust covers  my keyboard

The mountains are fading away on the horizon

The sun – as can be predicted / expected – is reappearing

I can also now smell a faint hint of the iron board and starch the maid is obviously processing the laundered cloths with

It was particularly strong whilst I was in the bathroom as her chambers are just off to the right.

That smell takes me back to Magharah when Glady used to starch and press Grandma Vivies things

Mr Manzanilla wanders thru the room

It is now after 4pm

I am almost sure he wants us gone for the day

In his quiet, understated manner he is still almost defiant

It is apparent to me he does not like having people in his space or disrupting his very well laid out plan and routine

In other words – he is merely tolerating our presence

OUCH

Another crank in my neck

I must have dozed off …

Its almost half past 5

Mr Manzanilla is anxious

I hear the guys cleaning up

I guess that’s my que to get at it too