Wednesday, June 23, 2010

October 07 - The Pines Speak

Its a "Blustery Day " as my friend Pooh would say ..
A  North wind and subsequent cold front has blown in.
There are white caps on the lake.
They blow straight towards the house stopping only at the bulkhead and sea wall.
Splashing up with a rhythmic beauty my eyes are held to the windows at the beautiful yet powerful site.
The rain is bone chilling.
Every once in a while the dogs bark and I jump when a branch or limb falls hard on the roof.
Johnny promised that would be the NEXT project ( replacing it - the roof )
A break in the action allows the girls and I to go out a par ooze the premises.
There are limbs everywhere. They need to be picked up.  Ill save that for another days work ....
The pine trees wave to and fro not unlike they did in the Panhandle of Florida and Lorne Park Estates on the shores of Lake Ontario so many years ago ... 
My mind locks.
I am taken back to my childhood where - roaming the Park on just such occasions, my mother and I would delight in the majesty of such sounds.
The air even smells "familiar"
It must be all the pine ?
I inhale
I am breathing
I can hear my heart beat but I am relaxed
I am at Peace
I am in a GOOD place
I am taken

October 07 - Pines Speak / Chapter 2

Before I get into the above for mentioned dissertation ... has anyone ever found it odd that with all the categories available to choose from I continually select "life"...
And WHEN is Tom going to put "spell check" on this dang thing ?
I have asked him ( several times ) - but apparently I am not important enough to be acknowledged...
And - whilst I am venting - does anyone know how to upload a particular song if you can not find it in the music category so that you can have a non available song choice as yours 
Ok - back to Chapter Two ...
Today - much the same - only SUN ( and Blue Skies ) Strange - no aromas though ? 
As the sun set - so too did the wind ... settling down into only the occasional gust. Gentle breezes. Only whispers in the trees. 
Tomorrow it will be calm again - or so it does appear - but oh - what a WILD ride it was. 
Racing down memory lane, aloft in the wind - like a kite sailing off thru the skies - I took my journey - owned it - and am now wiser and richer for it  

November 07 - Relationship Ditty

Relationships are one of the most confusing things in the Universe to me right now ...
Big Surprise there eh - LOL
This past weekend - well - four days actually - I got to sit around and do a LOT of thinking. As dangerous as that may be - I was able to gain some clarity on some concepts and issues that have been haunting me for some time now.
Articulation was the key - Semantics
I was finally able to express in words and understand the emotions that reside within me and torment my every waking thought. Trying to make logic of feelings. Trying to reconcile them with what my mind maps have established.
This was the challenge that I now believe I may have over come - if only temporarily.
The BEST kind of relationship is the one that awakens the soul. It is the kind that make us reach for more - even when we can reach no more. With passion planted in our hearts yet a peace of mind and calm quiet contentment of the spirit - the BEST relationships challenge us to grow and become the BEST person we can be and in so doing become the person we were intended to be.  

PS Though this could be applied to interpersonal relationships - and certainly is to my new, exciting and challenging  life - it was the relationship of me to the sky - and skydiving - that inspired this self revelation. I spent the last 4 days having the privilege of watching some of the most dog gone kool people being exposed to, learning and conquering some outrageously awesome new skills and feats in the sky - both on a personal level and as it applies to the others they were flying with !    
Someday - I too hope to join them !

November 07 - To Purge - Cleanse - And Let Go ( I hope )

Change - especially as radical and definitive as death - often brings out the very best ( and worst ) in people ....
Most people dont like "change" - It takes them outside the box - outside their comfort zone - where they may even have to face "reality"
I lost a friend this past week ... we all did - but the resulting chaos that ensued over the circumstances is almost unbelievable and inexcusable to say the least. 
People have said and done things I thought they would never have been capable of and I have been left heart broken, sadden and numb.
It is going to take me quite a while to digest all that has transpired and I am not sure I will ever really be able to look at the Skydiving Community in quite the same light ever again
You see - I am a "newbie" and like many others - I came into this sport at a time in my life when I was trying to recover from ( several ) tragic situations.
In the skydiving community I found hope, support and comradely. I found a place where - thru a common interest ( passion ) - I felt like I belonged.
I was blown away by the feeling of brotherhood amongst you.
But now - I am shell shocked. The back stabbing and guilt mongruling comments flying around the internet - and Lord knows where else - have left my tummy tied up in knots.
Enough is enough
Truth is - we may never know the truth - not about this situation - or any other.
Though truth is constant and unchanging - our perception of it is not. Time and emotions change things and so we are each - individually - eventually left to reconcile within our own heart and mind "what is and what was"
I do believe in karma and what goes around will come around so if there was any type of malice or negativity involved here - and I am not saying that there is - I am simply stating that - eventually - the Universe will set things straight
Or So think I ...
One thing I think and hope we can ALL agree on is that Scott was a definite "one in a million" type guy.
His spirit - almost child like and innocent beyond reproach - allowed him to rise above the moment and continue to smile and bring joy and positive energy to everyone and everything he encountered - even when - often times - those of us around him - me included - may have behaved otherwise.
I cant help but wonder what he would think of all of us now ?
I - for one - believe it is time we just "let it go". I believe in my heart this is what Scott would want too ...
The REALITY is - we are ALL going to die.
How many of us will be lucky enough to go out doing something we love ?
Scott had the privilege of doing just that ... and somehow - I think - he will be there to meet us again one day - check us all in with that great big grin, pat on the back or knuckle knock that he has become so "famous" for !
Scottie - Thanx for the memories - for being such a GREAT friend to me when I was "all alone", for always helping me with all my "stuff" , for eating all my candy ( and  you still owe me a bag of skittles by the way ) and for sharing your "butts and bathroom" duty with me ! You made my world a better place and the things you taught me shall never be forgotten ... AMEN

December 07 - About Me

Once upon a time - in a land far far away... a little girl came into this world. Her journey - unbeknownst to most - including herself - was to be that of a messenger. It took a long long time - and a very twisted path - for her to reconcile that fact but now that she has - she has found an inner peace and contentment to deal with all that which is put before her.
Truth is - it was there all along - she just chose to "fight it"
Her true heart and soul revel in the fact that she CAN "Pay It Forward" and make a difference - one moment at a time - one person at a time - and that the Universe will take care of the rest.
The secret is to BREATH - stay in the moment - and be REAL !
My life is only as I see it - It is as irrelevant to you - as is anyone else's life that you don't know or are not a part of ... I get to determine my self worth - not you ( or anyone else )  
If you dare to want to know me - you must care enough to try.
You are a witness to my existence - not that which determines it. 

I believe I am very often misunderstood. I don't see things the way most people do. 
Finally - I am at PEACE with that !

January 08 - New Years Reflections - A Year in Review ( 2007 )

It was only a year ago ... TODAY - I was on my "first official vacation" with the Tubbs family ... a group of eclectic individuals I would soon become a part of ... if only on the outer limits.
We were in Keystone, Colorado - the place where - co incidentally - we have just returned from
I was meeting the kids - "his kids" - for the very first time - an experience similar to - only ten times worse than - meeting the parents !
Drugged up on pain pills - still learning to navigate my crutches - a condition which was a bi product of me crushing my foot in October - it wasn't the "best" of experiences but ... it was - as are all things in my life - an experience ( to say the least )
February was filled with heart ache and trepidation.
I had my "first official divorce hearing" - one of which would turn out to be a long series of frustrations
I DID fly to Houston to "SURPRISE" JT for Valentines Day and that was - of course - the high light of that month.
In March - I tired to work
Thank Goodness for Ms Tiff.
She moved in, held my hand, drove me around and helped me re negotiate my life style.
Jonni~Renee was home for two weeks as well.
We had a GLORIOUS Girls Night Out and got to "bond" before she was off traveling the world again - this time to the Baltic's.
In April - my beloved son BJ decided to move back with his father.
This was a decision that was a long time in the making ... one that / who's writing was clearly "on the wall" but nonetheless no easier for this mother to accept or deal with.
Upset and despondent - I spent most of the month in the arms of the man I was falling in love with ... my friend and companion - JT
By May - MY writing was clearly on the wall.
I knew I had to be out of my accommodations and so the hunt began to find a new nest of my own.
I also was fortunate enough to finally close on the lake house in Jackson County which freed up enough cash for me to pay off all my accumulating debt and take care of most of BJs medical expenses as well.
I began in earnest - the healing process that each individual must do after any major life change ( s ) .
Thru massage, hypno therapy and counseling - not to mention my beloved skydiving - I was able to find my core and set myself up for the new journey I was about to embark on.
In June I began to sort thru - purge - and pack my belongings.
That process included making numerous trips back and forth to Jackson County collecting what little of my life that remained there.
It was a cathartic experience all on its own !
July was spent in Texas - again with the man I have come to know as one of my greatest mentors ...
Without his love and support - not to mention encouragement - I am sure I would not have faired as well as I did
We made some WONDERFUL JUMPS ( and memories ) and just being in Texas - away from "it all" - provided me with the much needed sanctuary and time to collect my thoughts and energy.
By August I had made two offers on two properties - neither of which came to fruition.
Frustrated and confused I tried to stay focused on the task at hand.
In September - back in Texas - we decided to take our relationship to the next level.
By October - I was ready to - and moved !
In all THAT commotion - Jonni~Renee blew in for a two week visit before she accepted her next "gig" in Macau China.
November was spent unpacking and re organizing "my life" as I knew it.
By December - I was a "Texan" - and a Tubbs - for all intensive purposes
Marty Skydive is looking forward to 2008 with the excitement and innocence of the child within
Breathing, staying in the moment - and yes - still paying it forward - I KNOW - thru FAITH and GRACE - this is where I am suppose to be ...

January 08

Ummm ...
I may have said this before - in several other ways ...
I think one of the most important things in life is to be REAL with ones self
For without this ...
How can one expect to be real - or otherwise - with anyone else ?

December 08 from September 07

I wrote this back in September of 2007 when I was packing up my "stuff" and getting ready to move to Texas
Funnily enough ... most of my "stuff" still remains in boxes - in storage - here in Texas. I have had not the time - or the inclination - to deal with it yet
Does this mean - even the few items of "stuff" I brought with me are insignificant ?
SURELY not ????????
When I think back to HOW MUCH I GOT RID OF ... it still pulls at my heart.
A "fear" dwells deep within me that someday I will want to see, feel and smell my "stuff"
Life has a funny way of coming full circle.
If you dont get it the first time around - the lesson will re appear - perhaps in a different format - with different players - but the same lesson none the less.
I am currently privy to the mechanics of another couple breaking up and having to deal with the distribution - or more exactly - the relocation of "stuff"
This - of course - got me to thinking...
Waking up this morning I KNEW the time had come for me to write something about my "stuff" ...
You know - the things we relentlessly drag with us - from one place to another - throughout our lives
For some of us these may be tangible items - articles we have collected and meticulously saved. 
I had a LOT of those ...
For others it may be emotional baggage and ideals - good and or bad - that we try to cling to in times of need. Im guilty on that account too although I have worked very hard the past few years to rectify this situation   
So - for me- it was BOTH !
I come from a long history of "pack rats".
Perhaps it was a post war and depression generational thing but my mother never threw ANYTHING out !
Everything was recycled until its utility and economic life had completely expired or the box it was put into for those "just in case moments" grew mold or was long lost and forgotten.
I can remember her painstakingly re folding wrapping paper - and even though I dont recall ever actually seeing it on any packages later (?) I do know where she stored the collection.
FYI - My kids will probably tell you they remember me doing the very same thing only I can proudly report I USED the "stuff" religiously 
Isnt it funny how the very things that we mock our parents for in distain we somehow re create - if only in a changed or distorted version - in our own lives ?
Anyway - back to MY "stuff"
This is not the time or place to discuss the emotional aspects ... though if one reads previous blogs you may well be able to decipher much of the process I went through whilst I was hopefully healing.
Right now - I am here to tell you about the tangible "stuff" ... the items that we somehow convince ourselves that we need when all the while much of which is only what we want.
When I became cognoscente of the impending split between the Sperm Donor and myself more than half the items we had jointly collected over the course of almost 25 years of co habituating - not to mention the things I had brought into the mirage - much of which were family heirlooms - was gone.
I was then faced with the daunting task of dealing with what little remained and preserving what I could - especially for our children.
To add insult to injury - though I had been applying much of my mothers organizational skills over the years whilst storing these items - when it was time for me to actually address the situation - much had been pilfered threw and left in what I felt to be - disarray.
With feelings of violation, abandonment and humiliation I set in for what would become the six month task of examining, sorting, purging and re packing "my stuff"  
In the end - which is now just before me - the results were strangely amazing.
More that half of what initially remained was systematically disposed of - mostly to Good Will and other such charity organizations but some items lovingly passed on to others.
My goal here was to get rid of the "chi"
I felt like what happened in the past was to remain in the past and I did not want to bring much of it forward into my new reality.
What remained was transported down to Orlando and placed in storage for round two.
When I was emotionally capable of the next step - each and every item that was left - including those that were in my existing domicile - were acutely examined and addressed as to their utility in my "new life".
All items pertaining to the children that had not been lost, stolen or damaged were painstakingly cleaned and repacked - labeled for future reference.
Again - what was left was whittled down to a bare minimum.
I now own major stock in Sterile plastic tubs but I am here to report that everything I own - with the exception of some major furniture items - most of which are the heirlooms I referred to earlier - is now in the said above referenced containers.
I am now also relieved to know that I can manage each and every one of these containers on my own. They are portable, stackable, well labeled and identifiable as to their contents
Ok - it all may sound a little anal but it works for me
I feel relieved - organized - much lighter - and strongly liberated.
I know in my heart - though I am now condensed into 60 odd tubs - that my kids will never have to deal with the dreaded pandemonium that my siblings and I will when "the parental unit" passes on.
So here I am - me and my tubs - getting ready to begin a NEW and EXCITING chapter in my life ...
Who knows what the future may hold but I truly feel I am better prepared for it by organizing and reducing the baggage from my past

Justice - January 2008

Justice …
Is there really such a thing ?
I am standing in a place where I see none of it
He has lied - cheated - and stole
And continues to do so
He sees himself "above the law" and of ill reproach
I have offered out forgiveness and reconciled to the fact that the person I knew is no more ...
I have tried to behave with dignity and grace
It is SO hard
All I want is the TRUTH
And I want them to be known
Not mine
THE Truth ...
And I KNOW there is one burred deep within the anger and hatred that have boiled over and infested all the areas of both our lives
I am standing in a place - alone
Hurt and humiliated
Broken - emotionally and financially
I am feeling that ...
If there is any "justice" in this twisted up judicial system that the United States of America seems to be so proud of - it exists - and is given to - only those who can lie the BEST !