Listening ...

Strange things happen when you sit still and listen
Then again - maybe not so strange
I am conflicted
As usual
Again - not so strange
I so desperately want to fix myself and become whole
I feel like I am close ...
I have found some interesting pieces to the puzzle
I just need to put them all together
Isabelle is a key
I FEEL it
But it is a piece that will not fit until I finish other work
Last night I asked for more work
This morning I went to my daily inspirations - quotes from Rumi and Khalil Gibran
Confession
I havent sought them out in weeks ...
I usually greet them each morning on my phone for some daily wisdom
These past few weeks I have been remiss
Today though was different
As I lay in the bed with one half of my world ( my BEAUTIFUL daughter ) I logged into my mentors
Rumi reminded me that it is not love I should seek but all the barriers that I have built within myself against it ...
Then Gibran spoke of how your children are not of you but thru you
I KNEW that one
My kids are my LIFE !
They are the BEST Part of my journey here on earth ...
If nothing else I KNOW I have been BLESSED and I am HONOURED to have had them in my life
~me~

PS My job in the next few weeks is to take these pieces of my sort them out, put them in order and hopefully add them to my Tapestry of Dreams ( that was a Disney Parade that Jonni~Renee was in. Her FIRST of many during her Disney carreer. )

Integrity - Revisited ( from May 2011 )

Integrity

A topic near and dear to my heart ...

It is how I try to live my life - though lately seems to be lost in the chaos / drama and delusions of others ...

It seems to me that integrity is what happens when your thoughts - words - and actions are literally "integrated" into the same set of overall values.

Unfortunately ... it is quite often the case - that what we think and say is little more than wishful thinking -having almost nothing - or very little to do - with how we actually act.

I have come to wonder how anyone can really trust us when it's far from clear if we will do what we say?

We need to consider the development of integrity as the natural outcome of delving deeply into our hearts - which is - or should be - where our core values are to be found.

The first step is to explore what really matters to us.

Everyone has different principles / priorities - though there may be some that are universal

I think the "Golden Rule" is a GOOD place to start ... 

The key is to decide what is most important to us.

It's impossible to uphold every principle at once.

We are diverse and unique individuals but I believe there has to be a common thread that runs between us all - no matter what our persuasion

Im a visual person so I like to think of it as this ...

The width of your heart is about your relationships - and includes both the left side - for listening -  and the right side - for speaking.

The height of the heart is where you hold your cherished principles ...

It gives you the strength to hold fast to them.

If we could all just take a little time to develop our own bank of integrity and then focus on our common threads - maybe - just maybe - a new sense of TRUST would develop and we could all take a Giant Leap Forward ! 

Just think'n - say'n- and hopefully - act'n

Validation

As always - I find it so amusing that when you need to hear something - when I NEED TO HEAR SOMETHING - the Universe has a way of bringing someone or something into my life just so that I can "get it"
That's what happened today ...
A Very Dear Friend called
I'm SURE they had "something else" to tell me but fate stepped in and the conversation took a WILD "twist"
I "got it"
The words were ALL there - with FEELING - with MEANING - with TRUTH and HONESTY - given to me - UNCONDITIONALLY
( No Strings Attached )
I may be at a "low place" in my life right now ... but "that's ok"
I am a Phoenix
I WILL Raise Again !
And with these words ... these words that this INCREDIBLE Spirit shared with me - I found a little breathe of SUNSHINE and HOPE peer into my gloomy - but Faithful World
The path may be treacherous and the journey long but the destination is ALWAYS in site and even if I never make it there I know I will have given it my all !
Best Part Is ... I Found My Validation

"That Place" ( Back To The Lake )

As I sit on the back porch listening to the wind dance thru the trees I am taken back once again to that place I once "belonged"  ...
There is a boat out on the lake pulling a small child on wake board
The hum of the engine is so familiar and serves only to solidify that place in my mind where I am about to go
Its cool here today
There is NO humidity
In Canada this would be referred to as a "perfect" summer day
But here - in Florida - it is only considered a reprieve from the oppressive heat.
No matter
This is irrelevant
The weather is what constituted and originally set me off on this mental journey down memory lane
I close my eyes and remember happier times
I take myself BACK to that place ...
I'm not going to tell you it was perfect because it was not
Nothing ever is
But is was real ...
Well - it was REAL - to me
There was a TRUTH - of sorts -  even when I may have preferred otherwise
It wasnt perfect either - but the older I get - the more I come to appreciate - and realize - it was better than most will ever know or experience
There was a lake
ALWAYS
A lake ...
There were boats
( Ah - were there boats ... )
But those memories might best be assigned to another blog where they can be better served and appreciated with proper attention and prose
Back to THAT place ...
There was always conversations
Again - it may not have always been what I wanted to hear - but it was ALWAYS engaging
There was food
The BOUNTY of "summer"
That particular collection of substances we were privileged to enjoy but only for that limited window of seasonal time and opportunity
Then - at the end of the day there was a bed
There was a warm, comfy bed with LOTS of pillows and blankets - all of which smelled DEVINE
And finally ...
There were HUGS ...
LOTS of them
Daddy ALWAYS made SURE of THAT !
I can SMELL this place
It is a SPECIAL Place ...
Is it any wonder why I want to go back there now?

One

There is but ONE
One
I seek - I call
I see - I embrace
One
There is but ONE
Alpha / Omega
Amen - Amin - Ashi

R - E - S - P - E - C - T

Respect ... 
Thats all I want 
Is it too much to ask for ? 


What is it with my kids ? 


With EVERYTHING I do - have done - and will continue to do for them ... 
WHY do they think they can speak to me with such DISRESPECT ? 


I know what you are thinking ... they do it because I allow them to right ? 
NOT 


Well - maybe ???
( I dont mean to ... ) 


I cant STAND it ! 


Im almost 50 years old and they talk to me like I am a piece of dirt on their shoe 


How can I impress upon them how HATEFUL they are being to me ? 
How can I make them see how HURTFUL they are being to me ? 
HOW can I make them STOP ? 


Tonight I will lay my head down and PRAY that somehow - someway - someday - the Universe will reach out and make them realize I am a person - with feelings - and I deserve MORE ! 


" I am Good - I am Smart - and I am Important" 
AMEN - AMIN - ASHI 
( And So It Will Be ) 


PS I LOVE them SO Much ... They are My HEART and SOUL 

Its "that" time ... ( the bed )

Somewhere between 5 and 8 pm ... 
My friend refers to it as the "couples hour" but in neither of my long term relationships was this ever a time reserved for "us" 
In fact - in my most recent / prior one ( relationship ) - I barely ever saw him before 9 pm 
Ok - that may have been a "slight" exaggeration - but only ever so slight - as it was rarely before 8 ! 
Anyway - newly single - again - I can not STAND it ... 
Every day - without fail - this uncomfortable feeling rises up within me 
It starts as a quiet stir 
Within minutes my head is whirling and my stomach is churning 
It doesnt matter if I plan events and activities in and around these hours to pre occupy myself or not - although sometimes - even if it is only minuet - there is a reprieve
Typically I can not eat 
My stomach will just not allow it 
I have tried to read - but I find myself staring at the same page - phrase - and words - indefinitely 
Movies are the same way 
Just a blurr - although - if I go to the theatre - at least there is popcorn 
( I dont count that as "eating" ) 
Sometimes our minds are just not our friends 
This is one of those times 
It is almost absurd what can occur within my head 
I silently wonder if I am the only person who suffers from this syndrome
I remember the last time I was single - even though I was in a content place - I still got "bothered" during this time 
Ultimately - I think it is because - deep down - I know - there will be no one lying down beside me in my bed 
No one to hold me 
No one to steal the sheets or swap out the pillows 
No one to touch feet with 
And in the end - at this point in my life - this is what I crave. 

Tax Day 2010 - Mexico City

Sitting in the kitchen (?)

Eleven stories up … overlooking the city

Off in the distance to my right there is a shadow of the mountains that appear to surround the city …

Below me – in the immediate vicinity – are trees and vegetation – which seems odd – given the fact tat this IS the city

I notice a particular plant ( tree ) that is a lovely lilac colour …

Perhaps it is a lilac tree ?

Of this I am unsure

I must inquire if I can find anyone around who can actually speak English

Johnny is busy

Vince and Kenneth are too

I am so far impressed with all of their focus and work ethics

Mr Manzanilla seems to have an extensive staff

The house ( apartment ) is like a labyrinth

All I can discern is that it is on the eleventh floor

We come and go and are contained for the most part to the service entrance and air conditioning areas.

No matter – that is what we are here for

The city bustles below

So much energy

It isn’t healthy though

In fact – its quite disturbing to me

When I flew in yesterday I had terrible flashes of the city on fire – mass confusion and destruction

I sense annihilation everywhere

Im cold

I have been since I got here

Dethatched

Isolated

Somehow removed from the masses

Come here Marty – I need your help

Hold this while I put it together

Participating in the process

Yet not

I feel like Im going to be sick …

Dizzy

Thoughts swarming around in my head

Stomach churning

The staff whispers around me

Don’t they understand that I don’t

Funny

Even though there is a language barrier I can somehow ascertain much of what they are saying and doing

Body language speaks volumes

A look

A gesture

Even in a different culture it can and does give you away

I wonder what they make of my behaviour ?

I know they cant read what I write but if they could ….

The pounding stopped momentarily

Lots of chatter

From English to Spanish and then back to English again

Vincente translates

Or does he ?

Air Quality Control

That’s what we are here for

The haze thickens over the city

The mountains are all but “gone”

Im coughing now …

My throat is beginning to constrict

Mr Manzanilla comes thru a door I have yet to see him use

He observes the process and then vanishes

Suddenly – a fury of activity

Three other Mexicans arrive

One is Tomas’ father and you can tell – even thru the language barrier – of which we have established there really isn’t one – that he is a proud man / father

The kitchen is a buzz

The houseboy is wrapping things up for protection

The labourers are bringing in the ladders and equipment

Johnny is climbing up and down the ladder inspecting the situation

I glance out the window

The smog is clearing

I can SEE the mountains

They are as clear as day

I long to be out in the country side – perhaps even hiking them

My attention is drawn back into the kitchen

Loud noises

Banging

My head begins to pound

Visions of the Grinch with the drums in his head … LOL

Then – as quick as it started it was gone

The maid arrived with lunch

Sandwiches – from Starbucks

How amusing …

The quiet was almost unnerving

I guess the guys were HUNGRY

I sat on my perch and looked out the window

The bustle below me on the streets continues

The mountain view was now so clear I could reach out and almost touch them

I was indeed in a bowl

Bothe geographically and physically

A fish bowel

I hadn’t noticed until now how much glass there was around me

The building curved so I was able to look across into many of the other apartments …

Startled by a noise

The workmen are returning to the kitchen

Lunch is over

I wonder if there will be a siesta ?

Across the street I notice a building

It is about 5 stories high

There is a roof top garden on it

I can see large pots filled with plants , a lawn chair and some tables

No laundry hanging from the doors or windows which is amazing because even in this swanky part of town it seems to be the norm

A top of that there is a satellite dish and a bunch of mechanical devices which I assume service the building

I wonder who lives there and what they do ?

I retreat to the bathroom

Im not sure if it is because I am nervous or if it is all the fruit and beverage I have consumed but I am using the lavatory excessively

Ironically – as I sit on the pot – I notice a small round object on the floor

It is the missing vitamin I lost this morning when – at the ungodly hour – we had to get up and get ready for the day

Normally – I wouldn’t eat anything ff the floor but – ok – that’s a lie – but – typically – I wont eat something off the floor – but in this case – due to the obsessive nature of the staff in keeping everything so clean I felt “safe”

WOW

A helicopter just flew overhead

Literally

I watch it circle around

It could not be more than 200 feet from the building

As it navigates thru the skyline I extend my vision as far as possible to see what path it will take

One, two and then three circles around our peremiter it takes

All at the same or near altitude

Then – from behind – it is gone and I do not have the advantage of seeing where

I wish there was a balcony

I would love to just sit out there and watch and listen to the city

Then I remember the reason we are here

Air Quality Control

It doesn’t look terribly bad …

Just a little grubby / dingy

It has actually cleared up quite a bit I the past few hours

What is this ?

MORE food … and the helicopter – AGAIN !

This time the food is definitely authentic – Mexican for sure

Smells delish but I am stuffed – for now

Ok- where is that helicopter

Gone again …

If I cant get on line soon – I think I am going to go mad

I didn’t realize how addicted I am to the thing

Perhaps I should take note ?

My mind drifts back to this mornings breakfast

I was amazed to here the birds sing as the sun rose

Even though there is a park across the street from the hotel I did not expect to see or hear much in the way of wild life

A dog barks

Now how can I hear that from the eleventh floor – especially with all the racket going on ?

Yup

It’s a dog for sure

I can see him on the street below

He is barking at a person in the back alley

And look – there is a butterfly – yellow to be exact – flying over the top of the trees

The dog continues to bark

The unidentified person gets in their car and drives away …

The dog continues on his way

I lay my head on the marble counter top for what was to be for only a moment

I could hear the hustle and bustle all around me but it was essential that I withdraw

To my quiet place

I had to think – to feel – and to see the visions that were swirling around in my mind

When I lifted my head half the ceiling had been removed !

Horns honking

Its only three o clock

The clouds roll back in

Though the air remains mostly clear the day becomes dull and grey

Im craving sugar …

Jelly beans

I have some in my purse

Brilliant

They are Jelly Bellies

I spend the next 20 minutes trying out all the flavours

Entre Mr Manzanilla such a well dress and mild mannered man

Dressed in a suit coat and tie but sporting leather slippers he is the opitamy of refinement

His cologne is quaint yet understated

A pleasant change from some of the more pungent odors other men are wearing

It seems here in Mexico that is a pre requisite

Lots of talking gong on

Some in English but most in Spanish

I feel like I am in quarantine

All this plastic wrap

Reminds me of ICU …

Its after 4

The sun is making one last valiant effort to appear

There must be another kitchen in the house because I can smell cooking …

I raised my head again …

It was 530

Marty – start to pick up all our mess

I must have nodded off ( again )

A quick glance out the window

It has obviously rained ( drizzled ) as the roof tops are all wet

Everything has changed colour

It all looks “richer”

You cant see any precipitation from my vantage point so I must have slept thru it

I patrolled the site and picked up all the obvious trash

I took all his notes – which were strewn from one end of the service area to another – and placed them all in the briefcase

I gathered up all my belongings

It was time to go !

Back to Blogging

Gone too long ...
No where near ready to disclose the wheres and whys

Cathartic process these muses 
Hopefully - someday - someone - may even get something positive out of them but even if this is not the case - at least I "put it out there"