Listening ...

Strange things happen when you sit still and listen
Then again - maybe not so strange
I am conflicted
As usual
Again - not so strange
I so desperately want to fix myself and become whole
I feel like I am close ...
I have found some interesting pieces to the puzzle
I just need to put them all together
Isabelle is a key
I FEEL it
But it is a piece that will not fit until I finish other work
Last night I asked for more work
This morning I went to my daily inspirations - quotes from Rumi and Khalil Gibran
Confession
I havent sought them out in weeks ...
I usually greet them each morning on my phone for some daily wisdom
These past few weeks I have been remiss
Today though was different
As I lay in the bed with one half of my world ( my BEAUTIFUL daughter ) I logged into my mentors
Rumi reminded me that it is not love I should seek but all the barriers that I have built within myself against it ...
Then Gibran spoke of how your children are not of you but thru you
I KNEW that one
My kids are my LIFE !
They are the BEST Part of my journey here on earth ...
If nothing else I KNOW I have been BLESSED and I am HONOURED to have had them in my life
~me~

PS My job in the next few weeks is to take these pieces of my sort them out, put them in order and hopefully add them to my Tapestry of Dreams ( that was a Disney Parade that Jonni~Renee was in. Her FIRST of many during her Disney carreer. )

Integrity - Revisited ( from May 2011 )

Integrity

A topic near and dear to my heart ...

It is how I try to live my life - though lately seems to be lost in the chaos / drama and delusions of others ...

It seems to me that integrity is what happens when your thoughts - words - and actions are literally "integrated" into the same set of overall values.

Unfortunately ... it is quite often the case - that what we think and say is little more than wishful thinking -having almost nothing - or very little to do - with how we actually act.

I have come to wonder how anyone can really trust us when it's far from clear if we will do what we say?

We need to consider the development of integrity as the natural outcome of delving deeply into our hearts - which is - or should be - where our core values are to be found.

The first step is to explore what really matters to us.

Everyone has different principles / priorities - though there may be some that are universal

I think the "Golden Rule" is a GOOD place to start ... 

The key is to decide what is most important to us.

It's impossible to uphold every principle at once.

We are diverse and unique individuals but I believe there has to be a common thread that runs between us all - no matter what our persuasion

Im a visual person so I like to think of it as this ...

The width of your heart is about your relationships - and includes both the left side - for listening -  and the right side - for speaking.

The height of the heart is where you hold your cherished principles ...

It gives you the strength to hold fast to them.

If we could all just take a little time to develop our own bank of integrity and then focus on our common threads - maybe - just maybe - a new sense of TRUST would develop and we could all take a Giant Leap Forward ! 

Just think'n - say'n- and hopefully - act'n

Validation

As always - I find it so amusing that when you need to hear something - when I NEED TO HEAR SOMETHING - the Universe has a way of bringing someone or something into my life just so that I can "get it"
That's what happened today ...
A Very Dear Friend called
I'm SURE they had "something else" to tell me but fate stepped in and the conversation took a WILD "twist"
I "got it"
The words were ALL there - with FEELING - with MEANING - with TRUTH and HONESTY - given to me - UNCONDITIONALLY
( No Strings Attached )
I may be at a "low place" in my life right now ... but "that's ok"
I am a Phoenix
I WILL Raise Again !
And with these words ... these words that this INCREDIBLE Spirit shared with me - I found a little breathe of SUNSHINE and HOPE peer into my gloomy - but Faithful World
The path may be treacherous and the journey long but the destination is ALWAYS in site and even if I never make it there I know I will have given it my all !
Best Part Is ... I Found My Validation

"That Place" ( Back To The Lake )

As I sit on the back porch listening to the wind dance thru the trees I am taken back once again to that place I once "belonged"  ...
There is a boat out on the lake pulling a small child on wake board
The hum of the engine is so familiar and serves only to solidify that place in my mind where I am about to go
Its cool here today
There is NO humidity
In Canada this would be referred to as a "perfect" summer day
But here - in Florida - it is only considered a reprieve from the oppressive heat.
No matter
This is irrelevant
The weather is what constituted and originally set me off on this mental journey down memory lane
I close my eyes and remember happier times
I take myself BACK to that place ...
I'm not going to tell you it was perfect because it was not
Nothing ever is
But is was real ...
Well - it was REAL - to me
There was a TRUTH - of sorts -  even when I may have preferred otherwise
It wasnt perfect either - but the older I get - the more I come to appreciate - and realize - it was better than most will ever know or experience
There was a lake
ALWAYS
A lake ...
There were boats
( Ah - were there boats ... )
But those memories might best be assigned to another blog where they can be better served and appreciated with proper attention and prose
Back to THAT place ...
There was always conversations
Again - it may not have always been what I wanted to hear - but it was ALWAYS engaging
There was food
The BOUNTY of "summer"
That particular collection of substances we were privileged to enjoy but only for that limited window of seasonal time and opportunity
Then - at the end of the day there was a bed
There was a warm, comfy bed with LOTS of pillows and blankets - all of which smelled DEVINE
And finally ...
There were HUGS ...
LOTS of them
Daddy ALWAYS made SURE of THAT !
I can SMELL this place
It is a SPECIAL Place ...
Is it any wonder why I want to go back there now?

One

There is but ONE
One
I seek - I call
I see - I embrace
One
There is but ONE
Alpha / Omega
Amen - Amin - Ashi

R - E - S - P - E - C - T

Respect ... 
Thats all I want 
Is it too much to ask for ? 


What is it with my kids ? 


With EVERYTHING I do - have done - and will continue to do for them ... 
WHY do they think they can speak to me with such DISRESPECT ? 


I know what you are thinking ... they do it because I allow them to right ? 
NOT 


Well - maybe ???
( I dont mean to ... ) 


I cant STAND it ! 


Im almost 50 years old and they talk to me like I am a piece of dirt on their shoe 


How can I impress upon them how HATEFUL they are being to me ? 
How can I make them see how HURTFUL they are being to me ? 
HOW can I make them STOP ? 


Tonight I will lay my head down and PRAY that somehow - someway - someday - the Universe will reach out and make them realize I am a person - with feelings - and I deserve MORE ! 


" I am Good - I am Smart - and I am Important" 
AMEN - AMIN - ASHI 
( And So It Will Be ) 


PS I LOVE them SO Much ... They are My HEART and SOUL 

Its "that" time ... ( the bed )

Somewhere between 5 and 8 pm ... 
My friend refers to it as the "couples hour" but in neither of my long term relationships was this ever a time reserved for "us" 
In fact - in my most recent / prior one ( relationship ) - I barely ever saw him before 9 pm 
Ok - that may have been a "slight" exaggeration - but only ever so slight - as it was rarely before 8 ! 
Anyway - newly single - again - I can not STAND it ... 
Every day - without fail - this uncomfortable feeling rises up within me 
It starts as a quiet stir 
Within minutes my head is whirling and my stomach is churning 
It doesnt matter if I plan events and activities in and around these hours to pre occupy myself or not - although sometimes - even if it is only minuet - there is a reprieve
Typically I can not eat 
My stomach will just not allow it 
I have tried to read - but I find myself staring at the same page - phrase - and words - indefinitely 
Movies are the same way 
Just a blurr - although - if I go to the theatre - at least there is popcorn 
( I dont count that as "eating" ) 
Sometimes our minds are just not our friends 
This is one of those times 
It is almost absurd what can occur within my head 
I silently wonder if I am the only person who suffers from this syndrome
I remember the last time I was single - even though I was in a content place - I still got "bothered" during this time 
Ultimately - I think it is because - deep down - I know - there will be no one lying down beside me in my bed 
No one to hold me 
No one to steal the sheets or swap out the pillows 
No one to touch feet with 
And in the end - at this point in my life - this is what I crave.